Pig's Ear Park and Other Adventures

Not the Vagina Monologues

For the fainthearted among you skip this – there is gossip at the end.

We got up bright and early last Monday morning , about 4.15 am and T does not do mornings remember…

Had to be let into Oncology when we arrived as it was still only 7 am. I would not have left till much later.The  dreaded moment for the brachytherapy finally came- zap and I was out. Zap and I was awake and IN PAIN!!!!! HELP!!!! Morphine was adminsstered and not a moment too soon.  I felt like I was about to give imminent birth to an elelphant.

‘That will be the device dear”  She could keep her rotten device- HELP!!! I lay there whimpering and occasionally getting drugs for another 45 minutes when I was wheeled back into the mini theatre and hooked up to the nuclear warhead on the wall via the device in my fanny- I swear I could hear it make contact but I couldn’t smell any uranium on a anyone’s breath. I’m left there for about 20 minutes then Snitzel comes in – I presumed I was deactivated, and starts to unpack the “device”. It took a bloody long time , then I had to give birth to the DEVICE.

Shit oh dear. This was done in two parts as there were two of us being done! 

 T and I eat lunch, I am still numb, no numbish and pretty miffed at the whole affair. I am supposed to have two more lots of this torture by device- don’t think so. Particulalrly not when they stupidly told me that they could not see any cancer- aha!!!! They are belt and braces medicine after all!

I totter out bandylegged about 1 pm and fall into bed at the lodge. I am even given time off today  from radiation. I stagger down for dinner, lovely roast beef. Just as well I enjoyed it as my stomach went on leave for the rest of the week and I missed;pork fillet, bacon and egg pie,  and a chicken casserole.

Tuesday is a painful fanny blur, I slap lignacane everywhere I can  but not much help really.

I mutter to the receptionist that I made two marks on the floor last Friday when I was skittering like a cow, and say that there is another mark there which has been there since I arrived- just by the bed. Makes sense why my bed is turned over- I do not have the courage to look. The maid who mutters darkly whenever she sees me arrives at my door with her trusty wipe of all things nasty, swears there is nothing other than my droppings on the floor, scowls when I point out the previous occupants droppings.

Two days later I ask her to give the previous occupansts droppings another going over…How to win friends and influence people.

Wednesday I go out with Shirley, back to her place for lunch, we laugh a lot which was good.

Thursday, hi ho, off to the hospital at 8 am for the weeks chemo.  I am duly plugged in, have all my supplies, food, book, radio etc. Don’t know why I bother with a book as I never read it, just sleep.

NOT TODAY THOUGH! About 2 pm I start to shake uncontrollably, the nurses poke and prod, mutter, poke and prod, finally get a dr, she pokes and pwods. I think you are quite sick she said- golly!  After shaking uncontrollably for 2 and half hours they decide that with a temperature now sitting at 39.4 c I should be admitted to a ward.

I am wheeled into the bowels of the hospital and delivered into the care of a young Filipino nurse. Poor man, first thing I did was tip a glass of water all over the bed whilst lunging for the poo sample bottle, all the while attached to a drip. Yes, by now they are filling me with antibiotics for something? What?

He remakes my bed, and brings me a commode chiair, that is a first, must look very old. The commode chair is awfully high and has to be climbed up upon.

Sometime in the night I have my first battle with the commode, wet my pants, wet the floor but manage to get something in the pan. Well not a good start for my geriatric apprenticeship. Why my pants? Well, Mrs super duper organised was locked in here with only her chemo kit- no toothbrush, no luvvy night cream, no deodorant, no change of clothes.

I scrounge toothbrush and toothpaste from a nurse the next day(new- you will be relieved to know) but the merino t shirt stays on for four days. I end uup with luvvy strechy hospital knickers.

I change into the hospital provided strecthy pants fitted with large pad- more geriatric training, I am stricken with the urge to go, the pad falls out of the pants and into the pan… Failed as a geriatric on the first pan.

Thank god the sleeping pill kicks in.

Dr comes at 8 am, askds the junior dr what does she hear in my lungs, nothing she says, clean your ears out says he, one of them is half full….. Pneumonia!

T comes at 10.30 and leaves again, I tell him I will ring him.

More antibiotics, no drip and panadol for bringinging the temperature down. Now sitting at about 38.5.

I drift thru the day and then thru the night, the commode has not had its pan replaced- I think that may be a sign.

I drift thru the next day and it isn’t until about 3 pm Sat that I finally listen to the radio- me- an addict. T rings wondering what on earth is going on, I tell him to come at 10 am the next morning as like Riley I am going home-then.

Brachy has been delayed from Monday till some unkown date, never as far as I am concerened. T comes and collects me, bit of a kerfuffle as I walk up to reception and ask for my prescription or at least what drugs I am on, but we are out of there by 10.15 am. I sleep all the way home. Stagger onto the bed in the sunporch and even manage a little walk in the garden- checking T’s jobs..

Ha! there was no gossip.



  1. I know how hard it is for you – I am sending you every positive thought I can because I believe the more positive the attitude, the better the outcome. Lots of love, Jane xxxx

  2. Bloody heck Margarete. It sounds horrendous …. but you still managed to make me laugh. What can I say other than I’m upset and sad that you have to go thru this horror. You really are quite amazing and i love you. I have been sending you positive thoughts and healing light. When i went thru my cancer trip I imagined healing light and healing energy traveling through out my body and mind. it was a relaxing exercise. Much love to you both. When it’s possible it would be neat to touch base again. xxxx

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